Being the caregiver of an aging parent can be challenging, period. It is emotionally taxing work. But caring for a difficult, toxic, or even abusive parent can be a source of never-ending stress. The situation can breed resentment, withdrawal, and utter frustration.
Most caregivers take on the demanding and complex role of caring for their loved one with little or no training and/or support. As a ‘care manager,’ you must feel empowered and uplifted to continue the invaluable work you are doing. You must also maintain your own well-being so that you can provide healthy aging support to your loved one.
Being responsible for someone else’s care, day after day, can become overwhelming to the point of debilitating depression, especially if your loved one is abusive. The following safe care guidelines can help you find ways to care for a parent and take care of yourself at the same time.
Don’t sweat the small stuff
As time progresses, you can get to the point where every little thing your parent does can drive you batty! Recognize there are behaviors that can be tolerated. Reserve your energy for the truly important needs of your loved one and don’t fall into a nitpicking bag! Let the small stuff slide.
Ask for help
Parents, in particular, can fight you at every turn because they can be SO set in their ways. Share your frustration with family and other confidants, such as doctors, religious leaders, and friends, and engage their help. Caregivers are at risk for social isolation, anxiety, and depression, even more so, when caring for an abusive parent. Don’t think twice about asking for help when needed so that you can maintain your peace of mind.
Understand that elderly abusers could have untreated mental health issues, chronic pain, or cognitive decline as a result of a medical condition, such as stroke, dementia, or substance abuse, that affects their behavior. Abuse can also be a family problem that is handed down through generations until someone decides to end it by seeking help.
Therapy can also help tremendously if you find yourself in an abusive situation with your loved one. A professional can help you work through past trauma and learn to handle current and future issues in a healthy manner.
Stay in the positive
Avoid discussions that will only bring on tension to the point where the conversation quickly becomes contentious. When a parent is abusive, don’t escalate the interaction by stepping into their circle of drama. Stay in your own emotional circle of loving family members and supportive friends. Participating in unproductive dialogue will only make the situation worse.
Do not retaliate
Avoid retaliating against your parent’s abusive treatment. Returning abuse is never the answer and get help immediately if these feelings are surfacing. Arrange for someone else to take over your loved one’s care. Walk away and take some deep breaths when you feel anger creeping up. Slow, abdominal breathing can help lower stress reactions, such as an elevated heart rate and blood pressure, and help you keep a level head.
If your situation is truly intolerable and you are reaching your limits, social services, or a geriatric care manager, can step in to ensure your loved one’s safety (and your own). “As long as you continue to react so strongly to them, you give them the power to upset you, which allows them to control you,” says Dr. Susan Forward, an internationally renowned therapist, lecturer, and author of the best-selling book, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life.
Avoid caregiving if there are unresolved issues
If you’ve always had a dysfunctional relationship with your parents, it’s not likely to get better. Improving a relationship requires both individuals to gain a deeper understanding of their own psychological issues and then, to work on resolving those issues. Individuals who lack emotional maturity may choose to be abusive instead of facing their own psychological pain.
When a caregiver can’t escape an abusive parent, they may have to take a harm-reduction approach that minimizes the abuse. For example, if your mom throws a fit of throwing, kicking, verbal abuse, or hitting when denied an unhealthy food, let her have it!
Arrange for respite care
If your parent continues to complain and act out just to test or manipulate you, tell them you will make other arrangements for their care, until you both cool off.
Detaching from someone you provide care for is significantly more complicated than other situations. In many cases, a caregiver cannot just walk away without potentially endangering their parent’s welfare. This step takes some planning, especially if the loved one requires a lot of care. You may need to arrange for adult day care, in-home care, or even a temporary stay at a long-term care facility. Once you have a back-up care plan in place, you can manage things by calling or visiting on an as-needed basis.
The main objective is stand firm on your decision. If you tell your loved one that you are setting boundaries, arranging outside help, and leaving them for a time, then stick to your plan! Your absence might be a reality wake up call for your toxic loved one. “Remember that you always have the right to be treated with respect, and to protest unfair treatment or criticism. It’s vital to reinforce those rights with boundaries,” suggests Dr. Forward.
Search for a local respite program through the National Respite Locater Service.
Take care of YOU
You can’t afford to feel guilty about taking care of YOU. Your loved one’s survival depends on your ability to provide care, so it’s important to recognize your need for self-care. Otherwise, you could become one of the many caregivers who suffer from clinical depression, and your care subject will suffer right along with you.
Do not confuse self-care with selfishness!
Caregiving is a heavy responsibility, and lots of people suffer burnout, depression, and anxiety as a result. PLEASE be careful not to fall into the trap of believing you’re the only one who can provide care for your loved one. You need help sometimes too, so don’t be afraid to ask for it.
Need more info on agencies that can provide caregiver help?
National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-7233
Aging Life Care Association, 520-881-8008
Family Caregiver Alliance, caregiver.org
Office of Disease Prevention and Healthy Promotion, health.gov/myhealthfinder
Respite Locator, archrespite.org/caregiver-resources/respitelocator
U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, hhs.gov/aging/long-term-care/index.html
National Institute on Aging, nia.nih.gov
Recommended Reading…
- Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, by Dr. Susan Forward
- Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Dr. Susan Forward
